birthrightgreen | For Samael

Current Mood: nervous

Entry tags:

sam,
tm rp

For Samael

She was pacing. She'd been pacing. Ladies had made them stop talking, and it needed to be talked about. Or not. It could just be ignored, really. They didn't have to talk about it.

It probably was too soon. It had only been a few months of just them. They hadn't even moved in together, though they didn't really spend that much time apart, shifting back and forth between the two.

But this? This was big. This was life changing. This was...someone would have to move, probably. And her family might...Mother Night and may the Darkness be merciful. There'd be flailing. Would they let her leave? Would they trust him to protect her while she was vulnerable? Or would Daemon go all...things hadn't really gone well between he and Sam after all.

Was she even ready to be a mother?

Could she be? All those years of whoring and she'd never gotten pregnant and protection wasn't full proof and most whores did at some point.

Had there been too much damage, from too much...from how young she'd been? She'd heard of such. Witches speared too young who were never able to conceive.

The thought that it might be the case caused a shot of pain she wouldn't have expected. Whores didn't want children. But she wasn't a whore anymore. And the thought of holding a daughter--or son--of her own made her glow with a warmth she hadn't ever felt before. Longing, sharp and making her breath catch with how strong the craving was.

She nibbled on her lip, then grabbed a nutcake from the plate of them she'd coaxed Manny to make while she was here. That was better to nibble on, even if she wasn't hungry. She shifted to the window, watching for him, trying to ignore the clenching in her stomach.

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Sam was nervous enough that it actulaly took him a couple of tries to make it there. The Arctic in no way resembled Surreal's home.

But he did finally make it there, and took a deep breath before knocking on her door, trying to stop his hands from wanting to shake.

She got to it far quicker than the maid could, pulling it open, then stopping, pushing her hair back as she stepped back to let him in.

"Hi." Terribly otherworldish of her, but the shortened form seemed to be so much easier to muster than 'hello.'

"Hi."

Unaccountably, he was blushing.

Her fingers curled around his and she kissed him softly. The flutters in her stomach were a very new experience.

He squeezed her hand tightly, not too tightly, not too. Licked his lips, just as nervous.

"I have cakes. And coffee." And brandy, but it was probably a little too early for that, even for them.

"Good.. that sounds... good."

Stupid. English seemed to have left his mouth for the moment.

She wasn't going to be able to eat a bite, but nodded and led him to the library, where she'd had them put everything.

Then she sat, hands clasped in her lap and waited.

He took a deep breath. And a bit of honeycake, but that didn't help.

"I suppose... we should go through the ways this is a good idea and... a bad idea..."

She nodded a little.

"That does seem the logical thing to do...." She took a deep breath. "Good...we're both adults. We're in a position where a baby wouldn't be a hardship. We can provide a good home for it and..." She nibbled on her lip again. "It's...babies are good things, right. I mean, they're little people and you have to take care of them, and they're utterly dependant..." And now she was paling a little, but that ache was still there. Pesky thing, that.

He nodded slowly. Took a deep breath.

"We have a strong support network who would help care for a baby. We're not under dire immediate absolute death threat... and we do have allies, in any case..."

"So. We can care for it and we can protect it and we can give it the things it needs..." She was fidgeting. She never fidgeted.

"It would be...nice. To have something we made. Something that's ours. New. And challenging."

But then, some things were challenging enough.

"It would." His fingers brushed over hers. Soft. Maybe clinging a little. Maybe leaning into her a little.

He gave up on the maybes and tugged her into his arms.

"But. Are we ready to have, no longer just each other, but a new person to be completely responsible for?"

She sighed, arms sliding around him.

"I don't know?" Fingers playing with his shirt, half absently. "Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes...it terrifies me."

Slight nod, fingers sliding through her hair. "It terrifies me that... that I am not suitable to handle a baby. Emotionally, mentally... I know what I'm capable of, what I have a tendency for... I don't know if I'd be a suitable parent for a small child."

She frowned a little at that, and leaned back to look up at him.

"I think you'd be a wonderful father. Look how you are with Noah..."

"You think so?" he smiled, a little sheepish, a little embarrassed. A little shy, and mostly pleased.

And he sighed, resting his cheek over her forehead. "I worry. It's not something... it's not something I do. Have done. Ever, at all, often... ever, I think. In memory, at least, which, practically speaking..."

"I fear that I'll do something. That I'll lose patience, or lose my mind, or something will happen. And..." he shivered, clung tighter to her. As though she could prevent such things from happening.

She nodded a little, listening, hands soothing down his back. "I don't think you would, love. I think you would love any child of yours too much." A rueful smile. "I know love doesn't always keep you from hurting those around you, but..."

Fingers back to his forehead, tracing through his hair. "A child would be different. A reminder of the good in you when those things cloud in your head. That you were able to do that. And should you slide into the Twisted Kingdom? Your family and I would both be there."

He nodded slightly, listening. Nodded more, as he listened.

He wasn't sure he believed entirely, but his rational mind knew she was right. Knew, and believed her, even if he still had fears. Because she was right. Probably. No, she was right. Kick back the fear.

"Thank you," he murmured, hugged her, suddenly almost in tears. "It... I don't know what I would do without you, Surreal. You..." Soft smile into her hair, and a momentary sniffle. "You are so wonderful. And you are so good to, for me."

She was slightly surprised by that, so focused had she been on soothing away any worries he might have. She hugged him back.

"That might be the first time anyone's ever said that, sugar."

He closed his eyes, sighing, relaxing a little.

"Mm. It's true." Smiled a little, kisses over her hair. "And sometimes I wonder if I tell you so, enough."

She blushed a bit. "I don't know. It's still something too surprising to hear."

"Oh..." Which was surprising to hear as well, though not unreasonable. His fingers played through her hair, braiding it awkwardly, undoing it lightly. "Well.."

He just wasn't sure what to say. "I suppose things are different than they have been..."

She shot him a wry smile. "Well, yes. It's not really something clients say..."

"And you never took but the one lover of your own..." Half a question, half a statement, curling around her protectively.

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