For Samael

[birthrightgreen]

She was pacing. She'd been pacing. Ladies had made them stop talking, and it needed to be talked about. Or not. It could just be ignored, really. They didn't have to talk about it.

It probably was too soon. It had only been a few months of just them. They hadn't even moved in together, though they didn't really spend that much time apart, shifting back and forth between the two.

But this? This was big. This was life changing. This was...someone would have to move, probably. And her family might...Mother Night and may the Darkness be merciful. There'd be flailing. Would they let her leave? Would they trust him to protect her while she was vulnerable? Or would Daemon go all...things hadn't really gone well between he and Sam after all.

Was she even ready to be a mother?

Could she be? All those years of whoring and she'd never gotten pregnant and protection wasn't full proof and most whores did at some point.

Had there been too much damage, from too much...from how young she'd been? She'd heard of such. Witches speared too young who were never able to conceive.

The thought that it might be the case caused a shot of pain she wouldn't have expected. Whores didn't want children. But she wasn't a whore anymore. And the thought of holding a daughter--or son--of her own made her glow with a warmth she hadn't ever felt before. Longing, sharp and making her breath catch with how strong the craving was.

She nibbled on her lip, then grabbed a nutcake from the plate of them she'd coaxed Manny to make while she was here. That was better to nibble on, even if she wasn't hungry. She shifted to the window, watching for him, trying to ignore the clenching in her stomach.

Comments

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She shot him a wry smile. "Well, yes. It's not really something clients say..."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

"And you never took but the one lover of your own..." Half a question, half a statement, curling around her protectively.

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She nodded slightly, leaning into him. "Yes. And Falonar wasn't exactly given to expressing those sorts of sentiments."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

"More fool he," he murmured, kissing the side of her neck. "I've never met a person yet who didn't like to know they were needed, wanted."

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She nodded, a little, a lump in her throat trying to cut off sound.

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

Softly. "Surreal...?"

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She shook her head, smiled up at him. "It doesn't matter anymore."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

Slight nod, thought he suspected Falonar. Wasn't sure if he should push or not.

Had to suppress the briefly murderous impulses, anyway.

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She kissed him, firmly. "It doesn't. Not anymore."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

He smiled against her mouth as he kissed her back.

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She smiled back, then shifted to look at him. Her fingers wound through his. "What do you think, really, about the baby idea?"

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

"Back on track?" he chuckled a little, nuzzling at her hair for a moment before answering. "I think.. the idea terrifies me. But I think.... I do think we are becoming more comfortable... as an us, rather than as a... something. A you and me, maybe. And I think ... that it wouldn't be a bad thing. Now, or even if we waited."

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

Her lips quirked in a slight smile. "I'm nervous about it?" Track was good. Figuring things out.

"Not a bad thing is...somewhat faint praise. Do you want to?"

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

Seriously: "How dangerous would it be with your work in Terreille?"

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She sighed a little. "In the work itself? I can't imagine it would make a difference until the last couple of months when I probably won't be up to socializing."

She glanced at him, unsure of exactly what he knew about pregnancy for Blood females. "Daemon wouldn't allow me to go out alone." Anywhere, probably.

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

He nodded at the first. Arched an eyebrow at the second. "Wouldn't allow?"

Just a bit territorial, perhaps.

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She heard the territorial note and shrugged, slightly, biting her lip.

"Conceivably, none of the family would allow me to go out alone. To such things," she added quickly, then more truthfully, with a sigh. "Or anywhere. But they usually send Daemon to deal with me. I think they feel he has more...practice at handling me."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

"Mmph," he said. There were a lot of urges there, most of them having nothing to do with sense.

"Well, you've known each other longer." Something noncommittal. Easy. Then a deep breath. And another. And. "Why wouldn't they let you go out alone, and who would they think of as fit company?"

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She gave him a slight smile at the final question, touching his cheek. "You would be more than suitable company, Samael. The alone bit is the problem in their minds."

Most of them anyway.

She took a deep breath, wanting to avoid the first question because she didn't want it to take the chance to have a baby away, but fairness dictated that he needed to know as a factor of the decision.

"They wouldn't want me to be alone because I'd be vulnerable." She looked at him steadily. "Any use of more than basic Craft could make me miscarry. If it were life or death for me, then...I could still manage it, unlike during my moontime, but." A slight shrug. "No one wants to put an expectant mother in that position where she has to choose between herself and her child."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

He smiled, a little sheepish, a little... guarded wasn't the word. Withdrawn. Sad, too, for the continuing tension between him and her people. Daemon, really, truthfully. The rest of them were all right.

"Ah..." Slight nod. "I've heard of such things, never..." Slight, affectionate smile. "To be honest, I never thought it would be a concern of mine."

His fingers teased through her hair, slow, soothing over the back of her neck. "And I can see why they would worry. It's a worry I would certainly share."

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She gave him a wry smile. "So would I. I don't like the thought of being without my Craft for nine months, but it's not an issue of a now or later. It is what it is should I ever wish a child. It's something we come to terms with young."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

He nodded. "Another thing to keep in mind as we make the decision."

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She nodded as well, just a little. "Yes."

[oldestbeloved.livejournal.com]

"Are you ready for that, those months of not using your Jewels?"

[birthrightgreen.livejournal.com]

She nodded, just a little. "I think I am. I could be. It's a price I'm willing to pay."

She bit her lip. "But other things would have to change. Me to you. Or you here more. Or me back at the Hall." Which was not the most preferable arrangement.