What he's thinking....
Mar. 14th, 2006 12:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
birthrightgreenI know what most people think of me. At least most of "society" as it's made up both in Terreille and even still here. They look at me and see my former profession. Whore. Not enough of them know of the other to see that side. The males away from the Coven get this look in their eyes, sometimes. Speculation and lust combined with something darker. What would I let them do to me? What could they get away with? And ought they do such to someone under the protection of Saetan SaDiablo? They generally decide that the latter risk outweighs the potential for what they could get away with, and thus they tend to leave me alone.
But I move through them here, looking for those that might be spies for Dorothea. Looking for anyone who threatens Jaenelle. And all I see is their eyes following me with the same thought and I know that the poison that's corrupted the Blood of Terreille has come here to Kaeleer. What I'm not sure of yet is how deep it runs, or how we can stop it from ruining the Shadow Realm as it has the Realm of Light.
The one person I'm unsure of, as always, is Daemon. Perhaps it's silly to be unsure. Likely it's my own guilt still niggling there. We seem to be back to where we were all those centuries, as if our efforts for Jaenelle and my care of him, when he'd let me, while he was in the Twisted Kingdom healed the old wounds. But you don't live in fear of someone for 50 years without lingering repercussions. You don't do something so incredibly stupid that it costs you your dearest friend--your only friend--without lingering doubt.
Not even I can be that cold inside.
I know what I did was wrong. We've never discussed it. Always things more pressing. People to help. Our jobs to do, such as they were and are. And he's happy now, with his chance with Jaenelle. They're still so unsure sometimes...I don't want to be in the way of their healing each other. So, perhaps it's best I'm in Amdarh away from the Hall, or at Sam's Tower, away from Kaeleer.
I don't know what he thinks. What he remembers. I don't want the coldness, the darkness that we let--that I let come between us wound the chance he has now at happiness. I don't want to tear the family I've found apart, or have any of them looking at me the way others do.
I don't want them, or him, to look at me and think what I see in the men of Amdarh and Little Terreille's eyes.
Whore.
But I move through them here, looking for those that might be spies for Dorothea. Looking for anyone who threatens Jaenelle. And all I see is their eyes following me with the same thought and I know that the poison that's corrupted the Blood of Terreille has come here to Kaeleer. What I'm not sure of yet is how deep it runs, or how we can stop it from ruining the Shadow Realm as it has the Realm of Light.
The one person I'm unsure of, as always, is Daemon. Perhaps it's silly to be unsure. Likely it's my own guilt still niggling there. We seem to be back to where we were all those centuries, as if our efforts for Jaenelle and my care of him, when he'd let me, while he was in the Twisted Kingdom healed the old wounds. But you don't live in fear of someone for 50 years without lingering repercussions. You don't do something so incredibly stupid that it costs you your dearest friend--your only friend--without lingering doubt.
Not even I can be that cold inside.
I know what I did was wrong. We've never discussed it. Always things more pressing. People to help. Our jobs to do, such as they were and are. And he's happy now, with his chance with Jaenelle. They're still so unsure sometimes...I don't want to be in the way of their healing each other. So, perhaps it's best I'm in Amdarh away from the Hall, or at Sam's Tower, away from Kaeleer.
I don't know what he thinks. What he remembers. I don't want the coldness, the darkness that we let--that I let come between us wound the chance he has now at happiness. I don't want to tear the family I've found apart, or have any of them looking at me the way others do.
I don't want them, or him, to look at me and think what I see in the men of Amdarh and Little Terreille's eyes.
Whore.
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Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 04:34 pm (UTC)As for the past, well... don't you think it's something best left there?
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 05:00 pm (UTC)If it's truly there and not just shoved there to be ignored.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 07:08 pm (UTC)And, well, as you've not been sufficiently unwise to seek out the less pleasant side of my personality, I would think it would be.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 07:23 pm (UTC)But if I were to be so unwise, suddenly the past would resurface? So it's not truly there then, if it's solely contingent on my present activities.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 07:38 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 07:45 pm (UTC)Yes, Sadi. I've learned my lesson well.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 08:29 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 08:30 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 08:34 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 08:39 pm (UTC)That the past isn't past is settled.
And that you're too blinded by what was done to you to see anything clearly for what it was is settled.
What did you think was settled?
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 08:52 pm (UTC)Do you want me to say that if you were foolish enough to do it again, nothing would change? Only one person in any Realm is safe from the Sadist, Surreal, and you're not her.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 10:19 pm (UTC)You've made things perfectly clear.
Thank you.
Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 10:36 pm (UTC)Re: Oh, so meta
Date: 2006-03-15 10:43 pm (UTC)