(no subject)
Dec. 30th, 2005 06:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
birthrightgreenNew Years Eve Reflections: Over the last year, did things go pretty much as you'd expected or planned, or did your life take a significant, unexpected turn? Overall, was it a good year or one that you want to put behind you as fast as you can?
I don't understand this compunction to revisit the events of a year on the day that seems to mark the end of it. We mark our year differently and these...Ah well. I suppose it doesn't hurt anything, to reflect. Is the purpose to just mark the passing of the year? To learn from what came? To see how you grew? I can see how it would have value for the shorter-lived among you. Your years fly by so quickly, it's best to mark them in some way.
There are years I cannot say I recall. They blur into decades of uneventfulness. I slept with many clients. I killed many targets. I kept no records. I distracted from one profession with the other. Other years are marked with significant happenings. My mother's death. The beginning of my true training. The first time I killed a Warlord-Prince. The time I destroyed someone who wore the Grey. The night of the rift between me and Daemon. The afternoon I met Jaenelle. The sight of my mother's face after centuries. The first kiss I received from a lover instead of a client. These are moments that make up a pattern of life, but decades pass with nothing of this sort happening.
I suppose, however, if I am honest, this year was...eventful. Much of it was unplanned and I've found myself reeling from much of it and searching for a new foundation for a life uprooted.
We came to Kaeleer, Daemon and I. I suddenly found myself with family, both blood and associative. I am a member of a Court for the first time in my life. I've taken no one to my bed but lovers I have chosen, instead of clients.
I fell into something approximating love with an arrogant Eryien Warlord Prince. I was hurt and swore never to do so again. I did so without much notice or even consent on my part, giving my heart to a man not of my people, not of my world. I discovered a depth of feeling I'd never consciously acknowledged for a friend, and searched for a way to accustom myself to it and work within both honor and love. I discovered I had a home, should I wish it. More than one, in truth.
The whore and assassin found herself without either occupation at hand and even now I'm cast adrift. What am I? One of Lucivar's warriors? What can I do to serve my Queen?
The concept of service has never occurred to me in this way. If she needed someone killed? I'd be her girl. But there is little call for an assassin in Kaeleer. Less even for a whore did I even wish to resume that occupation.
I have a feeling neither Daemon nor Sam would approve of such an enterprise.
So, yes. This year has been unexpected. Much of what I thought I knew has changed and my world has shifted under my feet. I deal well enough with change, sugar, but...Perhaps this yearly review thing is too rigid a deadline. Things are in flux, in transition. They are changing, but I cannot say into what yet.
Until I know that, this exercise is merely a musing and a listing of events without consequence or purpose.
When I know if this is a year I'd go through again, I'll be sure to let you know.
I don't understand this compunction to revisit the events of a year on the day that seems to mark the end of it. We mark our year differently and these...Ah well. I suppose it doesn't hurt anything, to reflect. Is the purpose to just mark the passing of the year? To learn from what came? To see how you grew? I can see how it would have value for the shorter-lived among you. Your years fly by so quickly, it's best to mark them in some way.
There are years I cannot say I recall. They blur into decades of uneventfulness. I slept with many clients. I killed many targets. I kept no records. I distracted from one profession with the other. Other years are marked with significant happenings. My mother's death. The beginning of my true training. The first time I killed a Warlord-Prince. The time I destroyed someone who wore the Grey. The night of the rift between me and Daemon. The afternoon I met Jaenelle. The sight of my mother's face after centuries. The first kiss I received from a lover instead of a client. These are moments that make up a pattern of life, but decades pass with nothing of this sort happening.
I suppose, however, if I am honest, this year was...eventful. Much of it was unplanned and I've found myself reeling from much of it and searching for a new foundation for a life uprooted.
We came to Kaeleer, Daemon and I. I suddenly found myself with family, both blood and associative. I am a member of a Court for the first time in my life. I've taken no one to my bed but lovers I have chosen, instead of clients.
I fell into something approximating love with an arrogant Eryien Warlord Prince. I was hurt and swore never to do so again. I did so without much notice or even consent on my part, giving my heart to a man not of my people, not of my world. I discovered a depth of feeling I'd never consciously acknowledged for a friend, and searched for a way to accustom myself to it and work within both honor and love. I discovered I had a home, should I wish it. More than one, in truth.
The whore and assassin found herself without either occupation at hand and even now I'm cast adrift. What am I? One of Lucivar's warriors? What can I do to serve my Queen?
The concept of service has never occurred to me in this way. If she needed someone killed? I'd be her girl. But there is little call for an assassin in Kaeleer. Less even for a whore did I even wish to resume that occupation.
I have a feeling neither Daemon nor Sam would approve of such an enterprise.
So, yes. This year has been unexpected. Much of what I thought I knew has changed and my world has shifted under my feet. I deal well enough with change, sugar, but...Perhaps this yearly review thing is too rigid a deadline. Things are in flux, in transition. They are changing, but I cannot say into what yet.
Until I know that, this exercise is merely a musing and a listing of events without consequence or purpose.
When I know if this is a year I'd go through again, I'll be sure to let you know.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 05:01 pm (UTC)You're intelligent and clear-spoken, disciplined; I'd think you'd do well as a teacher for others.
Ah, Happy almost-New Year.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 05:31 pm (UTC)I'm not turning them into a bunch of girls and boys with the skills of a whore.
*sighs*
And to you as well. It has been a while since we spoke. I hope you are well?
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 06:03 pm (UTC)*rubs at his temples wearily* And I have the job now of trying to decide--whether mercy or safety should be what comes first. Or how many chances a person should be given. *not meaning to burden her with his troubles, but he's too tired to censor himself*
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 06:18 pm (UTC)I've found there's very little place for mercy. The safety of those I love always comes first. Perhaps someone gets a second chance, but those who delight in hurting innocents very rarely change in my experience.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 06:24 pm (UTC)This is...someone we don't know that well personally. So the question is whether he'll keep on as he has been, now that he may be free to change, or not. If not...*grim little smile*
Agh, I apologize, Surreal. Don't mean to go all 'shop talk' on you.
*thinks* Would you ever consider teaching outside the Court, or somewhere other than Kaeleer, so long as your first duties allowed? That might give you more options if you want them.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 06:29 pm (UTC)*smiles* No apology needed. This "shop talk" is something I've missed. Court life doesn't exactly...suit me.
*considers* Perhaps. Lucivar would likely permit it, so long as I did not neglect what he wished of me. Teaching is not something I've ever considered. It takes a great deal of patience, does it not?
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 06:50 pm (UTC)'their' actions while he was controlled. Whether it was lack of opportunity, or his choice for other reasons, not to seek help, is one question we'll need answered.
I think you underestimate yourself. Patience, but also being honest with oneself, and being able to judge strengths and limits clearly. I'm sure you can think of some older fighters, successful ones, who don't consider patience a virtue at all.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:01 pm (UTC)*slight smile*
What would I teach then? Skills with a knife?
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:11 pm (UTC)Knife, and all else--you might be surprised how much you know, that can benefit others. If you care to.
For another example, could you explain to someone who *doesn't* know how to use a knife, what to do if someone carrying one comes at them, and escape isn't an option?
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:18 pm (UTC)Then end them both. It's the only logical course of action.
*frowns, thinking*
Perhaps. If they were magic users. I don't know how much I could teach that didn't invovle Craft of some sort. It imbues everything we do, even unconsciously. But basic principles at least, yes. I suppose I could do that.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:22 pm (UTC)*smiles* That should still leave quite a few people who might find the knowledge useful.
H'm. I don't, aside from that, know if there's anyone who would be interested in contracting a fighter or assassin. If I should hear of anyone, would you like me to pass your name on to them?
Or, theirs to you, rather.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:29 pm (UTC)Perhaps. I will think on it. If people wish to learn, they can come to me. So far they just come with questions about sex.
*brightens*
Would you? I could use a good kill. I'm afraid I'm getting rusty.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:39 pm (UTC)Usually I let my older brother be the one to get stuck with that chore.
Certainly.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 07:45 pm (UTC)*smiles, more relaxed*
Thank you. I would appreciate it.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 08:15 pm (UTC)I like those questions far better. I have seen it done, sledding, but never done it myself. It looks like fun.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 08:35 pm (UTC)((whoever posts first, in other words *g*))
no subject
Date: 2005-12-31 08:49 pm (UTC)((*g* we can keep an eye out for either.))