birthrightgreen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
birthrightgreen) wrote2006-07-05 10:49 am
birthrightgreen) wrote2006-07-05 10:49 am
If...
If Kartane SaDiablo had his way, I never would have been born. It was his habit, you see, to break a young witch, no more than 12 or 13 at the most, and keep her until he seeded her. Then he either terrified her into spontaneously aborting or had one of the Healers under his mother's thumb take care of it. Once the child was gone, he tossed the girl into the street to return to her family in shame or to find work at a Red Moon House.
For centuries that was his game and none of them escaped. None until Titian.
She didn't go home, and I've never known why. Perhaps the Priestesses at the Gates back to Kaeleer could not be trusted? Perhaps she thought her family would not accept me, though they have done so with open arms since my coming here. Perhaps she was ashamed, though she never showed such shame to me. She didn't go to a Red Moon house where they would have been reluctant to take in a pregnant whore, and he could have found her.
No, she ran and she hid in the streets. She whored herself for a pittance to keep us both fed. She taught me what she could to keep me safe. And she screamed her last breath to keep me safe, pulsing energy in the walls to warn me from our home when Kartane sent an assassin to finish that which he hadn't been able to. There was no reason to kill her except that she ran, except that she bore me, and she knew that was the risk when she defied him.
I never understood any of it. Not why she didn't go home where she would be safe. Not why he wanted me dead so badly. And most of all why she didn't just abort me and make her way to safety and away from him, able to slide into the shadows and rebuild a life with as few reminders as possible.
None of the men who took me ever seeded me. I was lucky, I suppose, though I always wondered if it was damage from the first time. But I swore if they did, that I would get rid of their seed. That I would not carry the child of my rapist to term.
Only now do I begin to understand. I feel the tiny flutter of life inside me, the consciousness awakening though there is nothing physical yet that should give such a feeling, or so they tell me. This child was conceived in love. Wanted by both father and mother. Her life will be safe in a way I never knew. But what I have come to realize is that none of that matters where she and I are concerned. Not who her father is. Not how she will be raised. Not where she will live. Only that she is there inside of me. She is part of me and I cannot dream of harming her. Mine to protect. Mine to love. That I will share those moments and duties with a man I love means that I am blessed, and that she will know the wholeness I would wish for her, but it does not effect my love for her one way or the other.
To feel such a thing is to know, finally, why Titian did as she did. I would do anything for this child. The streets again. Separation from my family. Hiding forever. Whatever it took to raise her whole and healthy and safe in this world. I finally understand my mother, and I hope that wherever she is, she knows that.
For centuries that was his game and none of them escaped. None until Titian.
She didn't go home, and I've never known why. Perhaps the Priestesses at the Gates back to Kaeleer could not be trusted? Perhaps she thought her family would not accept me, though they have done so with open arms since my coming here. Perhaps she was ashamed, though she never showed such shame to me. She didn't go to a Red Moon house where they would have been reluctant to take in a pregnant whore, and he could have found her.
No, she ran and she hid in the streets. She whored herself for a pittance to keep us both fed. She taught me what she could to keep me safe. And she screamed her last breath to keep me safe, pulsing energy in the walls to warn me from our home when Kartane sent an assassin to finish that which he hadn't been able to. There was no reason to kill her except that she ran, except that she bore me, and she knew that was the risk when she defied him.
I never understood any of it. Not why she didn't go home where she would be safe. Not why he wanted me dead so badly. And most of all why she didn't just abort me and make her way to safety and away from him, able to slide into the shadows and rebuild a life with as few reminders as possible.
None of the men who took me ever seeded me. I was lucky, I suppose, though I always wondered if it was damage from the first time. But I swore if they did, that I would get rid of their seed. That I would not carry the child of my rapist to term.
Only now do I begin to understand. I feel the tiny flutter of life inside me, the consciousness awakening though there is nothing physical yet that should give such a feeling, or so they tell me. This child was conceived in love. Wanted by both father and mother. Her life will be safe in a way I never knew. But what I have come to realize is that none of that matters where she and I are concerned. Not who her father is. Not how she will be raised. Not where she will live. Only that she is there inside of me. She is part of me and I cannot dream of harming her. Mine to protect. Mine to love. That I will share those moments and duties with a man I love means that I am blessed, and that she will know the wholeness I would wish for her, but it does not effect my love for her one way or the other.
To feel such a thing is to know, finally, why Titian did as she did. I would do anything for this child. The streets again. Separation from my family. Hiding forever. Whatever it took to raise her whole and healthy and safe in this world. I finally understand my mother, and I hope that wherever she is, she knows that.
Re: OOC:
Yes. *wry smile* Love does that to you.
Also, Warren needs more actually HAPPY icons.
Re: OOC:
Yeah, so they tell me at least.
Aww, yes! He does!
Re: OOC:
He really really does! I mean. Especially if he's going to be around Kaylee. More smiling! More happy!
((Someone needs to lock Inara and Mal in her shuttle together))
Re: OOC:
Yay! Smiling Warren!
((Uh huh. That would be a start))
Re: OOC:
Yay! Also, dinner! Yay!
((YES. Guh. *baps them both*))
Re: OOC:
Yay! *considers what to make for dinner* Aww. Crap. I forgot my cash at home for the farmer's market. Must run home before meeting.
((We should work on that))
Re: OOC:
Yeep! Ok. *snugs* Dinner done, now, writing. *sighs* And panicking. But mostly writing. *smooches* Will be on before bed?
((We really, really should. Maybe through their LoW prompts or something?))
Re: OOC:
Dinner is good, writing is good. *smooches* Okies. I've got meeting and stuff and will be home 'bout 1000-1030 your time, probably.
And tell River to stop taking tests that tell her she's schizophrenic.
((...their? *g* Is that a "you should bring Mal in, too?"))
Re: OOC:
*smooches* Boy is on comp (have stolen it while he's taking the dogs out) so, not sure when I'll be on, but will at least pop on before bed! Work tomorrow.
River, stop that. They're silly tests, and you don't need to be looking at them.
((... why no. Of course not. Why would I ever suggest such a thing. *shifty eyes*))
Re: OOC:
*smooches, kicks boy* I'm home now, so. Cooking, 'cause yum with the fresh corn and fresh greenbeans and strawberries for desert!
R: *shrugs*
((Uh huh...))
Re: OOC:
Just finished watching Heart of Gold. *bonks Mal and Inara's heads together*
Re: OOC:
AIM? Or too brief.
*baps them hard*
Re: OOC:
Made some new Warren icons though!
Re: OOC:
Simon is APPALLED at River/Inara conversation, poor boy.
Yay to icons!!
Re: OOC:
*GAPES AT WARREN*
Re: OOC:
And huh? *pokes inbox*