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birthrightgreenIf Kartane SaDiablo had his way, I never would have been born. It was his habit, you see, to break a young witch, no more than 12 or 13 at the most, and keep her until he seeded her. Then he either terrified her into spontaneously aborting or had one of the Healers under his mother's thumb take care of it. Once the child was gone, he tossed the girl into the street to return to her family in shame or to find work at a Red Moon House.
For centuries that was his game and none of them escaped. None until Titian.
She didn't go home, and I've never known why. Perhaps the Priestesses at the Gates back to Kaeleer could not be trusted? Perhaps she thought her family would not accept me, though they have done so with open arms since my coming here. Perhaps she was ashamed, though she never showed such shame to me. She didn't go to a Red Moon house where they would have been reluctant to take in a pregnant whore, and he could have found her.
No, she ran and she hid in the streets. She whored herself for a pittance to keep us both fed. She taught me what she could to keep me safe. And she screamed her last breath to keep me safe, pulsing energy in the walls to warn me from our home when Kartane sent an assassin to finish that which he hadn't been able to. There was no reason to kill her except that she ran, except that she bore me, and she knew that was the risk when she defied him.
I never understood any of it. Not why she didn't go home where she would be safe. Not why he wanted me dead so badly. And most of all why she didn't just abort me and make her way to safety and away from him, able to slide into the shadows and rebuild a life with as few reminders as possible.
None of the men who took me ever seeded me. I was lucky, I suppose, though I always wondered if it was damage from the first time. But I swore if they did, that I would get rid of their seed. That I would not carry the child of my rapist to term.
Only now do I begin to understand. I feel the tiny flutter of life inside me, the consciousness awakening though there is nothing physical yet that should give such a feeling, or so they tell me. This child was conceived in love. Wanted by both father and mother. Her life will be safe in a way I never knew. But what I have come to realize is that none of that matters where she and I are concerned. Not who her father is. Not how she will be raised. Not where she will live. Only that she is there inside of me. She is part of me and I cannot dream of harming her. Mine to protect. Mine to love. That I will share those moments and duties with a man I love means that I am blessed, and that she will know the wholeness I would wish for her, but it does not effect my love for her one way or the other.
To feel such a thing is to know, finally, why Titian did as she did. I would do anything for this child. The streets again. Separation from my family. Hiding forever. Whatever it took to raise her whole and healthy and safe in this world. I finally understand my mother, and I hope that wherever she is, she knows that.
For centuries that was his game and none of them escaped. None until Titian.
She didn't go home, and I've never known why. Perhaps the Priestesses at the Gates back to Kaeleer could not be trusted? Perhaps she thought her family would not accept me, though they have done so with open arms since my coming here. Perhaps she was ashamed, though she never showed such shame to me. She didn't go to a Red Moon house where they would have been reluctant to take in a pregnant whore, and he could have found her.
No, she ran and she hid in the streets. She whored herself for a pittance to keep us both fed. She taught me what she could to keep me safe. And she screamed her last breath to keep me safe, pulsing energy in the walls to warn me from our home when Kartane sent an assassin to finish that which he hadn't been able to. There was no reason to kill her except that she ran, except that she bore me, and she knew that was the risk when she defied him.
I never understood any of it. Not why she didn't go home where she would be safe. Not why he wanted me dead so badly. And most of all why she didn't just abort me and make her way to safety and away from him, able to slide into the shadows and rebuild a life with as few reminders as possible.
None of the men who took me ever seeded me. I was lucky, I suppose, though I always wondered if it was damage from the first time. But I swore if they did, that I would get rid of their seed. That I would not carry the child of my rapist to term.
Only now do I begin to understand. I feel the tiny flutter of life inside me, the consciousness awakening though there is nothing physical yet that should give such a feeling, or so they tell me. This child was conceived in love. Wanted by both father and mother. Her life will be safe in a way I never knew. But what I have come to realize is that none of that matters where she and I are concerned. Not who her father is. Not how she will be raised. Not where she will live. Only that she is there inside of me. She is part of me and I cannot dream of harming her. Mine to protect. Mine to love. That I will share those moments and duties with a man I love means that I am blessed, and that she will know the wholeness I would wish for her, but it does not effect my love for her one way or the other.
To feel such a thing is to know, finally, why Titian did as she did. I would do anything for this child. The streets again. Separation from my family. Hiding forever. Whatever it took to raise her whole and healthy and safe in this world. I finally understand my mother, and I hope that wherever she is, she knows that.
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Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:00 pm (UTC)((Awwww. That's true about the many, but still awwww. *covers Surreal and Methos' eyes*))
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:01 pm (UTC)Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:03 pm (UTC)Hah. We saw that...
*sets up LoW database for all pups she has RP journals for*
*has no idea when she'll find time to do this*
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:04 pm (UTC)*trying to find words, and not quite managing it*
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:09 pm (UTC)Silly muse...He got way too happy about those icons.
HEE!! *whispers* Me either...
Ooh. I also have emailed you--1) Maui and 2) random just for privacy that I could've just posted on filter on journal but got lazy. lol
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:09 pm (UTC)I love you.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:15 pm (UTC)*smiling, fingers brushing down to her abdomen* Both of you.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:16 pm (UTC)You know, this emotional....mushiness...is very disconcerting for me to feel, sugar.
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:16 pm (UTC)Words are pressing at Warren's lips but he's afraid to say them. ;) I may die from cute.
Oooh! Yay! And HAHAHAHAHAohgod. *hides*
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:18 pm (UTC)*eyes stack of papers that got intermingled* Let's not turn in a list of voodoo herbs used in casting curses with the dental regulation, yeah?
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. *holds him* Devin, too. And yes.
*giggles madly*
But yay! More people! And I asked about the packet and we're going to same dinner!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:23 pm (UTC)We're not doomed to it forever are we? I at least have the excuse of hormones....
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:25 pm (UTC)... no, let's not. And yes! Awwwwwww indeed.
YAY! And Yes! And! Hm. Antubis. What for Antubis for If. Roy's kind of easy.
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:27 pm (UTC)*puts curses away*
HEE! Hmm. Midir?
Oh, and River's poking around Inara's shuttle, ostensibly with permission, but. She's playing with her perfume bottles for the "glass" prompt.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:32 pm (UTC)Oh good...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:36 pm (UTC)... a toddler. *dramatic whisper*
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:39 pm (UTC)Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:40 pm (UTC)*sighs* Sam's.. argh. That prompt made him all broody.
Maybe? Hm. *pokes Antubis* *gets poked with an anteater snout*
Oh dear. *amused* Inara may wander in. I should put Inara in the library.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:44 pm (UTC)Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 09:50 pm (UTC)Ack. Poor Sam. *holds him*
Huh. *eyes Antubis*
http://mals-albatross.livejournal.com/1825.html If she wants to. River just smashed one of her perfume bottles and mirrored tray accidentally.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-05 10:01 pm (UTC)I keep feeling the urge to cry at stupid things.
Re: OOC:
Date: 2006-07-05 10:10 pm (UTC)There we go. Warren needs, really really needs, to comment on Mal and Inara. Because suddenly I want to know what their first time together is like.
Also, Devin almost said it just then, didn't he?