Missing You
Apr. 14th, 2006 11:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
birthrightgreenI don't even have to close my eyes, sugar. This one's easy. Or maybe I should close them, just to ease back the tears. I don't cry often, but this...when I do it's often this.
My mother. Every second of every day. There's this ache in my chest that won't go away, no matter how hard I try. A hole there, that's never been filled. And I can try and fill it with lovers and with blood and with dangerous escapades, and even with the thought of a child, but the hole won't be filled.
I missed her all my life. Missed her when I was forced to the streets as she had been. Missed her when I was training in the Red Moon house Daemon had me apprenticed to. Missed her as I traveled Terreille, searching for her people, where she came from. Missed her as I stood on a garden path in Challiot and had a little girl tell me that Titian sent her love.
I missed her as I stood in the Hall, on the other side of Uncle Saetan's study door and waited to go through. I missed her when I left to go back into Terreille with Daemon, wishing I could see her before I left, because there was a chance, albeit slim, that I would be killed, the final death, sent back into the Darkness and not even able to join her in Hell.
And since coming back...since knowing that even that chance is gone...that even when my time to die comes and if I make the transition to demon dead...
She won't be there. She's gone. Utterly. Completely. Fed back into the Darkness to help save us all and I understand why she went. I do. I would have made the same choice in her position. But that doesn't stop the ache. The knowing she's gone. That I'll never talk to her again. Never see her face. Hear her laugh.
She'll never see my child. Won't be there to hold her, or him. She won't be there the nine months I carry the child to tell me about what she felt when she carried me. To encourage me. To listen to my fears, and my joys, and share hers.
And I know I have family. I'm not alone, not like I was the first time she was taken.
But I miss her. I want to see her again. To be with her. We had so very little time. It's not fair, and the mere fact that those words can be torn out of me who's known for nearly 400 years how unfair the world is, who sees how it's not been fair to those I love, who's seen some of the darkest things to ever be done to people...I get the irony, sugar. It's not something I say often. Life isn't fair, and I know that well.
But it's the cry of a child, lost in the dark. It's not fair. I want my mother.
Nearly 400 years, and I haven't been able to silence that child's voice. The more recent loss just makes it louder, and cuts the joy with a bittersweet edge.
ooc: Obviously, we're having NO respect for timeline or plot continuity in TM RP here, but really. What else is Surreal going to say? And given our lack of a Titian, in game, I think it's one that cuts across all versions of her.
My mother. Every second of every day. There's this ache in my chest that won't go away, no matter how hard I try. A hole there, that's never been filled. And I can try and fill it with lovers and with blood and with dangerous escapades, and even with the thought of a child, but the hole won't be filled.
I missed her all my life. Missed her when I was forced to the streets as she had been. Missed her when I was training in the Red Moon house Daemon had me apprenticed to. Missed her as I traveled Terreille, searching for her people, where she came from. Missed her as I stood on a garden path in Challiot and had a little girl tell me that Titian sent her love.
I missed her as I stood in the Hall, on the other side of Uncle Saetan's study door and waited to go through. I missed her when I left to go back into Terreille with Daemon, wishing I could see her before I left, because there was a chance, albeit slim, that I would be killed, the final death, sent back into the Darkness and not even able to join her in Hell.
And since coming back...since knowing that even that chance is gone...that even when my time to die comes and if I make the transition to demon dead...
She won't be there. She's gone. Utterly. Completely. Fed back into the Darkness to help save us all and I understand why she went. I do. I would have made the same choice in her position. But that doesn't stop the ache. The knowing she's gone. That I'll never talk to her again. Never see her face. Hear her laugh.
She'll never see my child. Won't be there to hold her, or him. She won't be there the nine months I carry the child to tell me about what she felt when she carried me. To encourage me. To listen to my fears, and my joys, and share hers.
And I know I have family. I'm not alone, not like I was the first time she was taken.
But I miss her. I want to see her again. To be with her. We had so very little time. It's not fair, and the mere fact that those words can be torn out of me who's known for nearly 400 years how unfair the world is, who sees how it's not been fair to those I love, who's seen some of the darkest things to ever be done to people...I get the irony, sugar. It's not something I say often. Life isn't fair, and I know that well.
But it's the cry of a child, lost in the dark. It's not fair. I want my mother.
Nearly 400 years, and I haven't been able to silence that child's voice. The more recent loss just makes it louder, and cuts the joy with a bittersweet edge.
ooc: Obviously, we're having NO respect for timeline or plot continuity in TM RP here, but really. What else is Surreal going to say? And given our lack of a Titian, in game, I think it's one that cuts across all versions of her.
