Tell the truth about something you usually lie about.

I am generally a truthful sort. Oh, there are things I suppose I lie about, or used to, at least. My age. That I liked it when they -- fill in the blank with whatever you think a client might have done. That I didn't love the kill. That I didn't take pleasure in killing, though Sadi called me on that. I enjoyed the kill, yes, but I didn't kill for my own pleasure.

That I didn't find release in it. Have I said that out loud before? That sometimes the only peace I could find came in bloodshed. I can look back and tell the truth about that now, when I can find peace in so many other things.

But generally, I tell the truth. I've been called abrasive for it, for not sugar coating it. Unless you are a client or a mark, what you see is what you get, and as I don't have clients or marks anymore...well. This is me. Who I am at the core and I don't think there are lies so pervasive to warrant discussion on their own.

[Locked from Samael and my family]

Well, perhaps there is one.

Does it really count as a confession of a lie if I'm too cowardly to put it where anyone I lie for would see? But it's a lie for a good reason, and I wouldn't hurt them for the world, so it is best if it stays here, between us and away from them.

"I love him like a sister, or a cousin."

There is nothing...familial about my affections for him. There hasn't been since I was a child. I have always loved him since the first day he swept in and saved us, loved him as a woman, not a sister. I would have done nearly anything for him, if he'd just asked.

But it's not a truth I will ever tell him. Not a truth I will tell Jaenelle or Lucivar or Saetan. Because no matter how much I love him, he does not feel the same for me. And he is happy. He loves and is loved by someone so very much more worthy of him than I could ever be. And I love her so, as well. Why would I ever disrupt their happiness with my truth? To love is not a betrayal, and I loved him before she was born. I can't stop it now, but I'll keep lying about it because I don't want there to ever be a question of my loyalty to her. She is my Queen. She is Witch. She is my Sister. And my loyalty and love for her, for our family, goes deeper than any passion for Sadi.

Besides, I have Samael, now. And I love him so very much. A woman's passion, conceived as a woman, and chosen deliberately, through trouble and trials, instead of a child's adoration deepened over time into something more heated and desperate.

It's different that what I feel for Sadi, but no less deep. I finally have a chance to have that love with someone. To have a family and a home of my own. To be the center of someone's world. This is how it should be. How it is. And I am happy.

Why would I let a truth out that could disrupt all of that?

ooc: baby timeline, mostly for my reference

Baby conceived -- some time first/second week of June. Let's say the 7th or 8th?
Second trimester started Sept 13th or so
We are now on week 16.
Third trimester will start second week of December -- baby viable.
Expected due date -- March 10th ('cause it's a weekend and possible I can play), but babies can take up to 42 weeks easily, so, we'll say the sweet thing can come any time in March that I have time to play given we'll be in the second month of actual Session with House deadlines approaching. *wry*

Week 16 (open to anyone who'd be at the Tower, but I think she'd like Sam to pop in at some point)

Surreal slipped outside with a smile, lifting her face to the sun, just closing her eyes and breathing it in. It wasn't that she hadn't been outside in the preceding month, but the nausea and exhaustion had been bad enough that it hadn't been often or for extended periods of time. That had all passed in the past couple of weeks, and all she could think about was being out of those rooms, energy filling her in ways she'd never experienced.

The trees were starting to change, just around the edges, and there was a crisp smell of autumn in the air. The first harvest festivals had passed already, and Samhain loomed within the next month. Fergus had taught her the names and some of the ritual meanings and she found herself delighting in the learning of the things so important to these distant bloodkin of her mother's people.

She wrapped a shawl around her closely before anyone wandering by could fuss at her for being out in the chilly air. A quiet stroll through the gardens, maybe out to the woods, would be good for both her and baby. She'd had to have her dresses let out, smiling as she felt her shape start to change to accommodate the child. She'd always been tiny, so the difference was more readily apparent, but as she touched her stomach she felt an almost irrational urge to bounce at the physical surety of the baby's growth.

Then something did bounce, or at least flutter. Her hands settled flat over her stomach and she gasped, then grinned as she felt it again. A definite movement she could feel both inside and against her hand. She didn't know if anyone else would be able to feel it, but Sam would and this was something she wanted to share with him.

Of course, not knowing where he was proved to be a bit of a problem.

"Samael!" She was bouncing now, beaming with delight as she ran down to the stables to see if that's where he'd wandered off to.

(no subject)

I felt the baby move today! She moved. I'm just...I never thought that such a little thing could change so much. Just knowing that she was there, before, it made all the difference and I thought that...nothing could top this. Nothing could be better than this moment right now, right here. The realization that I was going to have a child.

But today, now. This? She moved inside me. I felt her, and I know now she's really there. And she knows I'm here.

Nothing compares. I don't even have words.