birthrightgreen: (Everything has a price)
It used to be clients. When I worked, I usually worked all but 3 nights of the month and slept during the day. Nothing kept me from that sleep. Not fury at my clients, not guilt over my marks. I slept like a child.

But now it is the child that keeps me awake. I fear for her. I fear for her future, for what she will be. With my blood and his mingled, with all the things we bring. The coldness, sometimes. The anger. The bitterness. It laces through both of us and I fear what we could do to her.

I don't talk about it, because someone has to believe in us. Someone has to know that we can do this. That we have the ability to change, to be better for her. But he's so...He posts things. He talks about his inability to change and I think, No. This is not the man I know. The man I know wants to change. He wanted me. He wanted this child. And when he looks at me, and when he feels her move...it doesn't make sense, the words he says at other times. The things I know he does with others. The needs I can't fulfill for him. The places he goes.

I wonder if I am the same. If the face he sees, the face they all see, if it's something else. Another me and underneath is her. The girl from the streets who had no qualms about killing. The girl consumed by hatred and bitterness, planning her father's murder, her mother's revenge. That's not what I want to pass on to my daughter. That isn't the legacy I want to bring. I want her to grow up loved and happy and safe and at peace.

And I lie awake wondering how she can have that with parents like us.
birthrightgreen: (Baby)
I felt the baby move today! She moved. I'm just...I never thought that such a little thing could change so much. Just knowing that she was there, before, it made all the difference and I thought that...nothing could top this. Nothing could be better than this moment right now, right here. The realization that I was going to have a child.

But today, now. This? She moved inside me. I felt her, and I know now she's really there. And she knows I'm here.

Nothing compares. I don't even have words.
birthrightgreen: (With Baby)
Surreal slipped outside with a smile, lifting her face to the sun, just closing her eyes and breathing it in. It wasn't that she hadn't been outside in the preceding month, but the nausea and exhaustion had been bad enough that it hadn't been often or for extended periods of time. That had all passed in the past couple of weeks, and all she could think about was being out of those rooms, energy filling her in ways she'd never experienced.

The trees were starting to change, just around the edges, and there was a crisp smell of autumn in the air. The first harvest festivals had passed already, and Samhain loomed within the next month. Fergus had taught her the names and some of the ritual meanings and she found herself delighting in the learning of the things so important to these distant bloodkin of her mother's people.

She wrapped a shawl around her closely before anyone wandering by could fuss at her for being out in the chilly air. A quiet stroll through the gardens, maybe out to the woods, would be good for both her and baby. She'd had to have her dresses let out, smiling as she felt her shape start to change to accommodate the child. She'd always been tiny, so the difference was more readily apparent, but as she touched her stomach she felt an almost irrational urge to bounce at the physical surety of the baby's growth.

Then something did bounce, or at least flutter. Her hands settled flat over her stomach and she gasped, then grinned as she felt it again. A definite movement she could feel both inside and against her hand. She didn't know if anyone else would be able to feel it, but Sam would and this was something she wanted to share with him.

Of course, not knowing where he was proved to be a bit of a problem.

"Samael!" She was bouncing now, beaming with delight as she ran down to the stables to see if that's where he'd wandered off to.
birthrightgreen: (Baby!)
Baby conceived -- some time first/second week of June. Let's say the 7th or 8th?
Second trimester started Sept 13th or so
We are now on week 16.
Third trimester will start second week of December -- baby viable.
Expected due date -- March 10th ('cause it's a weekend and possible I can play), but babies can take up to 42 weeks easily, so, we'll say the sweet thing can come any time in March that I have time to play given we'll be in the second month of actual Session with House deadlines approaching. *wry*

If...

Jul. 5th, 2006 10:49 am
birthrightgreen: (Baby)
If Kartane SaDiablo had his way, I never would have been born. It was his habit, you see, to break a young witch, no more than 12 or 13 at the most, and keep her until he seeded her. Then he either terrified her into spontaneously aborting or had one of the Healers under his mother's thumb take care of it. Once the child was gone, he tossed the girl into the street to return to her family in shame or to find work at a Red Moon House.

For centuries that was his game and none of them escaped. None until Titian.

She didn't go home, and I've never known why. Perhaps the Priestesses at the Gates back to Kaeleer could not be trusted? Perhaps she thought her family would not accept me, though they have done so with open arms since my coming here. Perhaps she was ashamed, though she never showed such shame to me. She didn't go to a Red Moon house where they would have been reluctant to take in a pregnant whore, and he could have found her.

No, she ran and she hid in the streets. She whored herself for a pittance to keep us both fed. She taught me what she could to keep me safe. And she screamed her last breath to keep me safe, pulsing energy in the walls to warn me from our home when Kartane sent an assassin to finish that which he hadn't been able to. There was no reason to kill her except that she ran, except that she bore me, and she knew that was the risk when she defied him.

I never understood any of it. Not why she didn't go home where she would be safe. Not why he wanted me dead so badly. And most of all why she didn't just abort me and make her way to safety and away from him, able to slide into the shadows and rebuild a life with as few reminders as possible.

None of the men who took me ever seeded me. I was lucky, I suppose, though I always wondered if it was damage from the first time. But I swore if they did, that I would get rid of their seed. That I would not carry the child of my rapist to term.

Only now do I begin to understand. I feel the tiny flutter of life inside me, the consciousness awakening though there is nothing physical yet that should give such a feeling, or so they tell me. This child was conceived in love. Wanted by both father and mother. Her life will be safe in a way I never knew. But what I have come to realize is that none of that matters where she and I are concerned. Not who her father is. Not how she will be raised. Not where she will live. Only that she is there inside of me. She is part of me and I cannot dream of harming her. Mine to protect. Mine to love. That I will share those moments and duties with a man I love means that I am blessed, and that she will know the wholeness I would wish for her, but it does not effect my love for her one way or the other.

To feel such a thing is to know, finally, why Titian did as she did. I would do anything for this child. The streets again. Separation from my family. Hiding forever. Whatever it took to raise her whole and healthy and safe in this world. I finally understand my mother, and I hope that wherever she is, she knows that.

Happy News

Jun. 27th, 2006 10:11 am
birthrightgreen: (With Baby)
And after that unpleasant rant, I think it's time to give you all some happy news. I didn't want to say anything until we were sure, but we're sure now. Morghann has confirmed it and...well, even I can tell now.

Samael and I are going to have a baby!

I'm still nervous and I wish more than ever my mother were here, but this is the best thing I think has ever happened to me and I hope you all will wish us well as we start this new chapter in our lives.

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