birthrightgreen: (Not that girl)
[personal profile] birthrightgreen
ooc: Based on my interpretation of Surreal's feelings in canon and tangential RP done with [livejournal.com profile] hayllian_whore last year.

This is the moment when the gods expect me
To beg for help but I won't even try
I want nothing in this world but myself to protect me
But I won't lie down, roll over and die
All I have to do is to forget how much I love him
All I have to do is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation
Passion would have cooled and all the magic would have died
It's easy, it's easy


It had always been her passion, she thought. Lips and tongues and touches that seared across skin. She remembered them, holding them close, and fighting off the chill that came after with remembered laughter instead. The fantasy was just that, but she dreamed how it could have ended. To have known that, for one moment, in a life barren of love. It was easy to dream, to wonder what could have been if she hadn't been who and what she was and he hadn't been who and what he was. There were times when men grunted above her, and she got through it by thinking of him, closing her eyes and picturing his face until, for once, her cries of pleasure weren't faked.

It was easy.

All I have to do is to pretend I never knew him
On those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start
It's easy, It's easy


Her body still pulsed, remembering, and her fingers traced the scars he'd left. Shoulders scraped raw on the kitchen floor, he'd delighted in hurting her and Darkness be merciful she'd been happy to let him. Happy that this, at least, was real. No matter how brief, how wrong, it had been so right, and she carried it close to her, fingers tracing the puncture wound on her wrist.

It couldn't happen again. She knew that. She ran, back to the townhouse, away from the Hall, and when anyone asked, she told them she needed town life. That the country stifled her. That she needed her space.

The lies were easy.

Until I think about him as he was when I last touched him
And how he would have been were I to be with him today
Those very rare occasions don't let up they keep on coming
All I ever wanted and I'm throwing it away
It's easy, it's easy as life


Bitterness found her there. Gall. Fury and guilt and selfishness and every petty emotion that screamed for him. The taste of him lingered on her tongue, the despised act made whole, loved. Her body ached, and there was nothing the men at the cafes could do. She let them touch her, let them try, but it was always his face, and her cries came only when they disappeared and he slid his way into her thoughts.

She always cried afterwards, wanting to go home, home to wherever he was, and she hated herself for it. Hated him for making her weak. She wasn't weak. That was the thought that got her through, fury and contempt for herself lifting her chin.

After that, it was easy.

But then I see the faces of a worn , defeated people
A father and a nation who won't let a coward run
is this how the gods reward the faithful through the ages ?
Forcing us to prove the hardest things we've done
Are easy
So easy


The battle was over, the wounds mended, though the emotional bruises hadn't healed. They'd won, sort of, though the faces were drawn and pale when she looked around. They were alive, though there were too many of the dead who were gone forever. Too many thoughs ran through that. They needed a celebration, and one was provided. She smiled through it, bittersweet happiness lacing through her. She kissed him in congratulations, hugged her sister tight, and returned to Amdarh.

She cried herself to sleep that night, but this was how it had to be. In the morning she rose, and vowed there'd be no more tears.

In the end, the decision was easy.

And though I'll think about him 'til the earth draws in around me
And though I choose to leave him for another kind of love
This is no denial, no betrayal but redemption
Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above
It's easy
It's easy as life
It's easy as life
It's easy as life
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March 2009

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